One Step at a Time

I went to lunch with my friend Darleen today. We hadn’t gotten together in far too long. Life, illness, more life, more illness pretty much made it impossible. I had heard a song on the radio that reminded me so much of her I played it for her. “One Step at a Time” by Jordin Sparks. This woman is an absolute diamond, but looks in the mirror and sees a rusty penny. It kills me. One time we went out to dinner, she had been divorced for about 2 years or so at this point. She was feeling beaten, it was obvious in the way she carried herself. She walked in a silent invisible creature willing to be part of the background. I gave her grief for it. This woman should shine, and she could, she just needed to be reminded how. I told her, “Throw your shoulders back and pick your chin up woman! Boobs out, eyes on the sky! Stop looking at your feet they aren’t going anywhere.” Then I made her walk back out through the bar and back to the table, and asked her to make note of how many male heads turned when she did that. She was stunned. I just laughed. She's absolutely gorgeous, always was, she however had no idea she still was.

She surely didn’t feel confident, after being beaten down for so long, who could? Her ex-husband is a scumbag. The line in wedding vows forsaking all others, he heard as “for sacking all others”, and proceeded to do that for over a decade while she ran the house, worked, went through cancer without his help at all, and raised their children. The kids are nearly grown, one in college another almost out of high school now. A line from Pretty Woman comes back to me “It’s easier to believe the bad stuff.” When someone tells you over and over you’re worthless, true or not you buy into it, and you feel worthless.

I’m no less guilty of this mind you. I felt much the same many, many years ago. I was meek, wouldn’t say anything to anyone to stand up for myself. I can see the doubtful looks from those who didn’t know me then, but it’s true. I wouldn’t so much as whisper a word; I’d suck it up, and then smile, finding a way to be part of the background. Matt yanked me out of the wallpaper. I am surely not meek by nature, but you find the easiest path, and when you can’t fight anymore, you submit. Submit for a decade or more, it becomes more natural than your true nature. I would duck around quick movements coming at me, covering my head and squinting my eyes, then quickly realize I hadn’t been struck on this occasion and try to look nonchalant about it. For five years Matt intentionally made quick movements near, around and in my direction to get me over this. Yes, it took five years of daily realization to overcome this. I did get over it though. Once I realized like a light bulb that I didn’t have to cower anymore I realized I was never going to cower again. She hasn’t found that light bulb yet. It’ll come. I have faith. She’s not meek either, not beneath the surface, not the true spirit, under all that life has heaped on her, she is a diamond.

The song struck me as I heard it coming home from work, my mind instantly leapt to her. She has faced so many trials, but I know that in the end she’s going to come out shining. Expressing this to her however is not easy because it really is easier to believe the bad stuff. She looses sight of who she is, takes for granted what she accomplishes as nothing, takes the blame for things not her fault, and no credit for the successes that are. Mostly she makes me wanna grab her and hug it out of her, then straighten her back and chin and send her off into the world after taping a yardstick to her back and head.

An old cop once told me you can feel like crap, but if someone asks you how you are, you find a way to express a positive position. I do this; my most usual reply is “Excellent!” and while I may not really be “Excellent” or even “making it” on that particular day, I feel better about whatever is going on, and maybe by the end of the day I will be excellent, all things considered anyway. The attitude and confidence thing I’m trying to impress upon her which she has taken to a degree is the same sort of thing. Do it first, and eventually your mind will get in tune with the body. Ever wonder why cops always seem to be standing at attention even when off duty? I have perfect posture to this day. It’s easy, throw some steel plates in your shirt, walk around for eight hours, when you take it off your posture will still be stick straight. That posture exudes confidence, true confidence or not, it does. It implies you are, and eventually the mind follows suit. It just kind of clicks. Maybe I need to buy her an old Kevlar vest to run around in….that could work. Not sure how much fun it would be in a business meeting, but boy her posture would be awesome!

Life does not change for any overnight, it doesn’t change in a blink or even in year or even two for the better. It can go from fabulous to absolute hell in a blink of an eye, but it doesn’t get better that fast. It takes time. It took me about 10 years to figure that out. I know like everyone else she wants out from under the oppression inside her own head. She wants to break free of all the crappy crummy things she feels every time she goes to sleep or wakes in the morning, but it doesn’t just occur, it takes time.

Once she begins to see herself for what she truly is, then she’ll begin to see it make a difference. If she could understand what an inspiration she is to me, to see in her what I see in her. She can drive and operate massive tractors, bulldozers, handle the largest advertising account that exists in the US, deal with 2 kids, one wild child, and one sensitive one struggling to find his own drummer, and keep up with animals and everything else all while wearing the most kicking pair of stiletto boots you ever saw, damn she’s my idol. She also has some serious shoe sense that one. She picked up a pair today, they were like sex on a heel. I told her that and she squealed and said, “I know!” She kills me.

I wish we could convey to others what we know to be truth, despite how they feel. I am laughing as I’m typing this, I know darn well Matt felt the same way all those years ago. “Why can’t you see?!” Life has come full circle indeed. I see, and can’t convey it to her. The road to “recovery” so to speak is never quick.

I realized today how much she’s dealt with when she asked me if Matt would have a problem with us getting together later this month. I gave her the “You have four noses” look. Matt doesn’t care if I choose to go somewhere as long as at the end of the day he knows I’m alive, well and in one piece. He doesn’t own me, and is as I often joke with him, “not the boss of me”. He reiterated that earlier when I told him about this conversation. “I’m not the boss of you….You’re not the boss of me. We’re the boss of US as a unit but not of each other.” I nodded and smiled. Exactly what I was thinking. He didn’t even know we were going out today until five minutes before I ran out the door. When I did tell him all he said was have fun and drive carefully, kissed me goodbye and I dashed out the door. He did call me some 15 minutes later to tell me not to drive like a maniac, but, well that’s just good planning.

I know she has the spirit in her, I can see it flash in her eyes when she feels one she loves has been wronged. I tell her all the stupid stuff that folks say to me that I accept with a smile, despite the fact they deserve to be smacked for it, and I see her eyes flare. She gets riled, and sooner or later she’s going to get riled for herself. One step at a time I suppose…sooner or later she’s going to see the gem she truly is. I look forward to that day, the world is missing out on an incredible woman hidden in the background for far too long.