Christmas Shoes

I was in the kitchen baking cookies, listening to Christmas carols. I have a laundry list of them on my iPod and I have speakers in the kitchen since I spend a decent amount of time in there. Actually I have speakers for my iPod in nearly every room come to think of it, but that’s beside the point. *innocent look* Music helps me think, I need all those speakers. Look over there... it’s the plot to this blog entry.

So my husband came out to the kitchen. (Yes, commonly known in our house as "out da kitchen", I got that from my Gram) Santa Baby was playing at the time. Madonna’s version, it has more tempo. And he made a strangled noise. I asked what was wrong. “You know what I was singing all day?” I grinned from ear to ear imagining him singing Santa Baby. He shook his head. “Oh no! Worse! Christmas Shoes! Gah!” I laughed. Now this song he commonly refers to as “The Crying Christmas Song”. This song can and does yearly move my husband to tears. It’s a very beautiful song, quite touching really. Of course as he gave me his exasperated look what song came on? No, not Christmas Shoes, A Gift by Aselin Debison. Another beautiful song, but it’s …well I mean to me it’s perfect, but Matt finds this one horrible as well. I’m not sure why. The theme to all of my favorite Christmas songs is really giving of yourself. The Little Drummer Boy is another I listen to over and over. The truest gifts are not ones we purchase, they are the ones we give that cost us nothing, and yet so much more than money could ever buy. Anyway, as he stood there watching me roll another 20 kifli (it’s a cookie), Christmas Shoes came on.

The song is all about Giftmas versus Christmas. I hate Giftmas, it’s all about gimme this and gimme that and I want this or that. Christmas, has nothing to do with new Tvs, or give me a new computer, it has everything to do with giving of yourself, to those you love. I made Matt watch the TV movie and everything. I thought he was going to beat me with pillows when he saw what was on. He watched it, although grumbling at first, but I gave him the patented “Anj boo-boo face” and he sat on the couch while we watched it. Tears streamed down his face, which I expected. For as much of a tough guy as he is, he’s really a big softie on the inside.



This is the song. I’ll give you a minute here to get a tissue. It’s a sad story, but at the same time it’s the truest meaning of Christmas. That’s what Christmas is really about, the love that’s in this song. If you're done crying you can hit play again, so it plays as you continue to read.

When I was a kid, my Gram used to prepare us in case she died. She wasn’t young when I was born. Ok, actually using a calculator this time to figure out how old she actually was instead of guessing, she was 53 when I was born. When I was 7 she was 60. By the time I was 4 I knew how to make my own scrambled eggs and pancakes too. These lessons were called “Things you need to know.” It was never said that she may pass, just that it was important we know these things. My health is a direct reflection of hers. By no means was she ever considered “healthy” by anyone of the medical profession. Every single thing I face she has been through. She has Lupus, has had cancer, and just before I was born the doctors told her she’d likely die from cancer within the next 5 years. To her that gave her five years to prepare us kids for life without her. 70’s medicine was less than exact, this I can attest to having been one of their experiments. Anyone who has chemotherapy in the 70’s and is alive today, you’d be amazed at the difference. We used to go weekly, now it’s a once a month deal, they even have pills for it! Back then things were so different. They were guessing really.

Needless to say she’s still alive; she’ll be 91 in March. For those who also need a calculator like me, that means that 38 years ago they gave her five years to live. She never stopped teaching us these “Things we needed to know”. She still calls me to teach me things. I am blessed to have her so long. She is a dynamo. Still mows her own lawn, trims her own hedges, plays in her garden, and keeps the family home of the last 100+ years in perfect running order without any help from anyone.

This song reminds me of her. When I was ten I overheard a conversation between her and my Aunt Irene (her sister) about what would happen to the kids when she got cancer again? Not if, when. I knew at this point what cancer was all too well. I couldn’t imagine my Gram the master of all things being sick like I had been. I freaked out, ran to my Grandfather and sobbed as usual into his pant leg. That man had soggy pants on a fairly routine basis actually from my tears. Pet chickens, pet meal worms, pet jumping spiders that lived on our bedroom radiator, lightning bugs, (you get the idea) that died, anytime during chemo they were sticking needles in me, blood tests, the list goes on. As usual he just let me cry it out for a bit then finally asked me what was wrong. I had found out once my blood test had come back clear of cancer that cancer means you can die. I didn’t know that until then, no one told me. Now I was terrified she was going to die. I told him all I had heard. He scooped me up and carried me into the house wiping my tears with his handkerchief. He plopped me in my Gram’s lap saying simply, “Guy…” that was usually how it went with crying kids, you’d get handed to Gram and he’d just say “Guy…” which means “Here’s a crying child, fix it, and make it stop crying at me.” And she would. She held me and I told her what I’d heard. She cried with me then. We decided that day that she wasn’t allowed to ever get cancer again. Not ever, no matter what, and that was that.

About 10 years ago she found a lump in her breast and she called me. I reminded her she wasn’t allowed to get cancer, not ever again. She laughed and said she remembered but… then gave me a breakdown of all the things of import I needed to know. I of course already knew them; we’d been over this every now and again since I was a kid. I know where all the important things are, I know where to put my hands on all the important papers, we all do, she’s prepared us all as much as she can. Between the remaining six of us, everything will be seen to. She never did get cancer again, the lump was benign.

This song reminds me of her because well, biologically she’s not my mother, but my grandmother, but she was the only mother I ever really had. She was the constant in my life, she laid all the groundwork for who I became. The first year I heard this song I made a copy of it and sent it to her. She called me, crying, she loved it, and it reminded her of that day in the dining room.

So it may be the “Christmas Crying Song” but…it will always be one of my favorites because it reminds me of the greatest woman I know.