Broken...but fixable

Tonight’s theme? Broken by Lifehouse.



I spoke to a friend tonight. He’s dealing with some issues. PTSD if you will. I’ve been there. I know the challenges he’s facing. He’s been on my mind all night. I’m a worrier. It’s one of the things I do best. Coping with something like that can be tough. It was beyond tough for me. We came into it for different reasons. He’s dealing with returning to a normal life after being guarded and on duty for over a year. I was returning to a life that didn’t include figuring out where a chunk of a person came from either their head or their chest when we found it on the porch. It took me months to stop turtling. I do that when stressed. I push everything and everyone away, Matt doesn’t let me do it to him, and yes I do try. I can’t deal with his emotions as well, it’s too much. Topically he seems very laid back very smooth surface, but underneath he is a vast and deep ocean of very powerful tides. Mixed with my own it can be just too much. Fortunately for me he doesn’t allow me to become an island. I don’t know if he had if I’d ever come back. It’s safe there, and there are no worries, no concerns and you need nothing beyond the basics.

While I was unable to give “Gram’s fix all cure” of a full belly and home made brew to my friend to comfort him while we spoke, I think at least we maybe got to something. It’s the small stuff that will kill you. The big stresses you’re ready for your mind is prepared for big explosions, you have all kinds of preparations in there for anything massive. These are things that are actually simple. We don’t have big things to deal with though we have small stuff. We have things like a clogged drain, or a spilled cup of coffee, simple but annoying things, small stuff that your mind can’t deal with. You’re ready for emergencies but simple things like the plow taking out the mailbox is just…infuriating. It’s a change from the norm that is so minor but yet requires your attention. Attention you don’t want to give from whatever you’re doing because your mind is dedicated to the big things. Mind you, you don’t have to prepare for them but your brain has not yet let go yet. Here in lies the problem. These small simple things make you want to loose what is left of your fragmented mind. You’re adjusting to being just a regular sort of person who does regular sorts of things, and yet your brain is all the while calculating how to avoid a major disaster.

The one thing we have in common aside from this is a spouse who won’t let us fall into the vast river without a care. They love us and care about us and in that singular thing is the saving grace. His wife loves him and he loves her, and that I imparted was how to deal with it. When the rest of the small things drive him crazy, stop, and think of her. Think of her and 30 things about her that make him smile, grin or laugh, 30 things about her that will force his brain to shift gears. The cup of coffee gets cleaned up while you remind yourself of the 30 things that you thank God for. Before you know it, the mess is gone and you’re still sane. The mailbox is back on the post and you’re no longer thinking of killing the plow driver, but instead about the time that your spouse came up behind you and slipped their arms around you and hugged you so tight the rest of the world slipped away. Or you bust out laughing remembering the time they were walking funny before work you asked what’s wrong and they tell you their hip hurts. Concerned you ask why and all you get for a response is a sheepish grin, a raised eyebrow and a small cough of “You already know.”, and the two minutes of laughter that followed are priceless. These moments are the ones that redirect the mind from the small things that drive you insane. The same small things that make you feel like you’re losing control over what was an ordered precise regimen if only in your head. Now it’s all random and scattered and insane and without focused direction. The singular thing that gives you direction again is them. They’re the tree stretched across the river as you float somewhat wildly down through the rapids, and you grab on to them and hang on to those thoughts. They will right you and return you to sanity keeping your head above water.

It’s hard to return to life in an entirely different structure, for its lack of structure. It’s all a free for all without defined limits and where things like a coffee cup spilling actually matter in the grand scheme of things, or at least seem to. They don’t really, they really are of no consequence but there is no accounting for these things they don’t fit in with the desired and designated plan. That’s what makes them so incredibly annoying to the point of massive frustration. There is nothing of greater consequence to focus on to take the annoyance off these small simple things. That is until you remember what is truly important, and redirect your mind to that.

There really is something of much greater importance and it’s simple but so easy to loose focus on when you’re overwhelmed by everything else. You no longer carry a gun, but now have a cell phone there. You feel for it, but it’s gone, your chest tightens, your hand freezes, your breath catches in your chest as you realize it’s not there and then you remember, it’s not supposed to be. Finally you remember to breathe again. Those 2 seconds last for five minutes in your brain. There is immediate panic and then a dash of fear, and then you curse yourself for feeling either. You out of habit move to adjust the vest you’re not wearing and the same reaction occurs again. These simple things happen again and again for a while. Eventually you loose the muscle memory of these things you did all the time, but for a while it takes a bit for your brain to catch up to all the precautions you were so used to having. You no longer have any of these things. It feels strange, odd and a little bit scary. The singular thing that brought me back to sanity was Matt. I know that his wife will be the same for him. The images your mind can conjure of them are much greater than the discomfort of these other things, much more invasive and powerful.

It took me a while to figure out exactly what would pull me from these things. I tried to think of a lot of different things, some did nothing, some made it even worse. It was a phone call I made that changed so much for me. I called my Gram. I was losing it. I couldn’t deal with anything, and as I was putting the dishes away one slipped from my hand and shattered all over the floor. In my anger I gripped a shard of the plate and crushed it in my hand. I was now bleeding from my foot, since the shards had sunken into it when it fell and bleeding from my hand as well, and standing in a sea of glass. The dogs came running into the kitchen of course because of the noise. I yelled at them to get out and as I did I knew I needed to get a grip. I walked through the glass, and had them follow me into the office so I could clean up the mess. As I swept it up and bled all over the floor I slumped into a sobbing mess. I called my Gram. I explained what had happened, and told her I had to get away, and asked if I could come home. She said simply, “Honey, you are home. You are where you need to be. The one thing you need more than anything right now isn’t here, it’s there. The only thing that matters in this world is going to walk through that door in a few hours. He is the only thing you need to worry about, not broken dishes. The dish broke, buy a new one. Your husband is the one good thing in your life right now, don’t run away from him run to him. When you’re scared, or mad you concentrate on him, and nothing else.” I didn’t know what to say. She was right. I nodded dumbly. “Now go fix your hand and your foot, then call Matt and ask him to come home early.” I started to argue. “I’m not asking, I’m telling.” I nodded again at the phone. I called, he came home. I didn’t know what to say, or do but I didn’t have to say or do anything. He just sat with me on the couch. That was it. That was really all I needed. I realized I wasn’t alone, I was home, and she was right, as usual. That’s how it all began.

Still there are times when things get to me, small stuff gets under my skin and I stop, and I think, and I let it go because it’s not important. If it’s really annoying me I’ll send Matt a silly text, nothing special just a smiley face with its tongue sticking out. He always responds, and no matter what it was seems to just kind of vanish. I imparted most of this to my friend, and I hope that he finds the comfort in it that I did. It’s not always easy to find your way back to what used to be your life. It will never be like it was before too much inside you has changed, but the root and reason it was worth coming back to remains, and that is the critical factor. In the wider spectrum, really nothing aside from that matters all that much.

Oh and to Mark, “THANK YOU!” *wide bratty grin* You can go ahead and read that a few thousand times, and when you’re done, get back to me. *walks off giggling*